Tuesday, February 10, 2009

finding middle ground

today was a bad day. It rained all day yesterday, so it was really wet and cold outside today so we didn't get to go to play group. Lily isn't feeling well. I think its a combo of teething and a cold. the poor girl spent the day whining that i couldn't just do everything she wanted me to, which at times i would just do because she was so miserable, but something happened to top it all off. the part time job that i was promised in an email from a gym i applied at turned out to be a "mistake". they sent the email to the wrong person. Of course while waiting for the background check (that they weren't actually doing) to go through i turned down another job. So today I spent hours on the phone, fruitlessly trying to figure out what was happening and trying to make them be liable for their actions, while still trying to look for another job. anyway lots of tears, lots of frustration and a very sad lily. I decided it would be great for me to take a break and go to enrichment... I thought it would be uplifting...
Enrichment night all about making a low budget breakfast using food storage. I came away feeling like such a bad mother and wife. I mean come on why don't I make 8 grain pancakes using only food storage and have them come out perfect, served with a homemade syrup and homemade yogurt at six in the morning? I should be doing that right? without it my daughter won't be able to focus half way through class and she will fail her tests... oh wait lily isn't in school yet... oh wait, we don't have food storage yet. It is a goal for this year, but as of yet it hasn't happened ... which of course made me feel guilty also. I just felt like all these women had it figured out and knew exactly how to nutritiously feed their children while saving money and keeping their homes clean and i am happy to do the dishes and have lily bathed, fed and dressed before seth gets home from work. Luckily i have a level headed husband who wiped away my tears of frustration and brought some reality into my life. these women might enjoy spending an extra hour to save their family a dollar, by making some homemade yogurt, but it would simply stress me out. and right now we just can't afford 8 different kinds of grains to grind for my daughters breakfast. as much as i hate it we are living pay check to pay check and until a few more commission checks come in that's how its going to be, and beyond trying to find a part time job that will let me take lily with me, there isn't much else i can do to help that situation. I know that a lot of these things would in the end save us money, but i don't have the money to invest in starting those things. i don't have the money to buy an ingredient that i will only use for yogurt that my family won't even finish because seth doesn't have time to eat before he leave for work at 6:30 and that lily can't eat because she needs organic dairy and the church hasn't come out with organic food storage yet. i also had to be reminded that while my oldest (and only) child is 18 months, alot of these women had teenage children. They have been around the block and it probably took them years to get to this point. anyway this has turned into a very random post, but its helping me cope with a very emotional day. now, even though its midnight, i need to go make up for my non productive day by cleaning my way too messy kitchen, and hope that lily sleeps in til 9 tomorrow and doesn't wake up 4 times tonight like the last 6 nights.